


Mariana Trench

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Daddy Kink, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2013-10-28
Packaged: 2017-12-30 17:06:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1021228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bro needs some product testing done, and he's running out of options.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mariana Trench

**Author's Note:**

> Dear lord I've never written anything mildly sexual I'm sorry.  
> It should also be stated that this is (in some cases loosely, in others heavily) based on some random MSPARP shenanigans from months ago.  
> Maybe one day I'll do the coding for the pesterlog parts but that day is not today.

timeausTestified [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] 

TT: Kid.

John can’t remember the last time he’s talked to him. Probably the last time he went to visit Dave. That was months ago. Too long.

EB: whoa.

EB: mr. strider?

TT: Holy fuck we’ve been over this before.

TT: Almost every time we talk, even.

John snickers, grinning wildly. He can’t for the life of him remember why he stopped talking to Bro, he was so fun to piss off. At some point they’d reached a mutual and tacit agreement that they’d never stop trying to get under each others’ skin.

TT: It’s Bro. But you know what, kid?

TT: I give up. Sure. Mr. Strider.

TT: Lemme just grab my fedora and pipe and shave every inch of my body.

TT: And I do mean _every_ inch.

TT: Shit. Italics. Whatever.

He thinks he remembers exactly why he doesn't talk to the eldest Strider, more often, though. Bro can be a lot to handle sometimes.

EB: ew!

EB: dude. gross. bad imagery.

EB: besides you do the same thing to me.

EB: you’ve called me every name in the book except mine!

Jane, Jake, Eugene, Rocky. The list extends endlessly and in a particularly asinine fashion. 

TT: Okay. Yes. I’m a massive asshole hypocrite.

TT: That aside, I have a favor to ask you.

This should be interesting.

EB: what is it?

EB: not that i’m inclined to help you, you don’t really give me a reason to :V

TT: Yes yes, :V

TT: Anyway. How old are you?

TT: That’s not the favor I just need to know.

TT: A prerequisite.

EB: oh my god!

EB: i’m dave’s age. you know this. i know you know this.

EB: now you’re just trying to get my human earth goat.

TT: And if I am?

EB: wait.

EB: are you flirting with me?

TT: And if I am?

John is smiling because this is fun, talking to him, because Bro gives as good as he gets. Sure, Bro is an asshole and says some pretty weird, even uncomfortable things, but he thinks Bro is one of the only people capable of giving John an exact taste of his own medicine. Everyone else has their own way of bantering with him, but Bro’s is the most aggressive by far.

He had had a crush on Bro, once, but that was back when he was young and dweeby and only just getting comfortable with his sexuality.

Maybe it’s time to revisit that crush.

EB: holy shit you’re impossible.

TT: Guilty as charged.

EB: i’m two seconds from blocking you.

EB: in fact, i can feel my hand slipping towards the mouse to just that right now.

EB: it’s a happy little miracle going on as we speak.

EB: better tell me what you want and quick.

TT: You know I can bypass the block.

TT: Not that hard.

EB: i know. you’ve done it before.

EB: the gesture would have been symbolic.

Before John caught on to what was going on when they talked, that Bro was messing with him as much as John was messing with Bro, he had blocked the elder Strider with the intention of unblocking him later. It was a supposed to be a convenient way to get him to shut up. No more than two minutes later, Bro had gotten around the block. John would continue to block him every once in a while, just to test him. Just to see if Bro would make the effort.

Oddly enough, he always did.

TT: Symbolic, yes.

TT: But futile.

TT: Anyway.

TT: You've ever heard of product testing?

EB: of course i have.

TT: Cool. So I need some help.

EB: you don’t mean.

EB: you can’t mean.

He can’t mean.

TT: I can and do mean.

EB: gross!

EB: just do it yourself.

EB: i’m not going to shove one of your weird ass puppets in my butt.

TT: Okay but like, hear me out.

TT: I’m not allowed to.

EB: not allowed to?

TT: Doctor’s order.

TT: I have a tear in my ass the size of the Mariana trench.

John cringes, feeling the pain viscerally.

EB: dude! stop! with! the! imagery!

TT: The literal Mariana trench. In my butt.

EB: it’s happening again!

EB: my hand is suddenly very attracted to the block button!

He doesn't think he will. He’s curious about exactly what Bro wants from him, even if he thinks he knows.

TT: Okay, okay.

TT: Will you help me or not?

EB: what’s in it for me?

TT: Free sex toys and three hundred bucks.

EB: five and i’ll humor you

TT: Fuck no, consider yourself lucky it’s even that high. Three hundred.

EB: five hundred, man

TT: Three fifty.

EB: four hundred or i’m blocking you right now

TT: You drive a hard bargain, Egbert.

TT: But fine.

TT: And also, BUTT fine.

John’s palm becomes very familiar with his face.

EB: shut up.

EB: why are you asking ME to do this, anyway?

TT: Desperate, I guess.

TT: Everyone is either busy or disgusting.

EB: nice to know i’m your last resort.

TT: You aren’t. You’re my last tolerable resort.

TT: There’s a difference.

TT: After you I go on to the aforementioned disgusting people.

TT: You wouldn’t want me to do that, would you?

EB: ugh

EB: let’s say i agree to doing this.

Holy shit he can’t believe he’s actually thinking about doing this, but he is.

EB: what do i have to do?

TT: It’s easy, promise.

EB: it’d have to be for you to do it.

TT: Cute. I’m ignoring that.

EB: are you?

TT: Yes.

TT: Anyway. I send you the goods.

EB: the goods?

EB: what is this, a shitty movie?

TT: You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you.

EB: oh fuck you

But he’s still smiling at the screen.

TT: You use them at your leisure over a day or two, then let me know how it all went.

That actually isn’t that bad. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but definitely nothing so impersonal. Maybe he’d actually go through with it. John had certainly experimented with… butt stuff before. It couldn’t be that bad.

EB: that’s it? that’s easy.

TT: Easier than you, babe.

EB: go fuck yourself that wasn’t even funny

TT: If you say so.

EB: i guess i’ll do it.

EB: what’s the worst that can happen?

TT: Well, my butt ripped.

TT: But that’s from getting visciously anal fisted by Hitler.

EB: uuuuuugh gross.

TT: Will be fine in a few weeks, though. Anal tears, man. They’re a bitch.

EB: so comforting.

TT: You’ll be fine. Just don’t be hasty and prep yourself really well.

EB: i knoooooow. it’s not like i haven’t put anything in my butt before.

TT: Color me surprised. Just be careful. Hasty is bad. Hasty means you don’t get laid for weeks.

EB: you mean you got laid before the accident?

John laughs at his own joke.

TT: Now I’m just a sad, lonely, horny pornographer.

EB: ah yes, your most blatant idiosyncrasies.

EB: you have a hand for a reason, don’t you?

TT: Yeah, but like.

TT: Two’s company, y’know?

TT: Yo Egbert, wanna fuck?

Despite his absolute certainty that Bro is just messing with him, John feels the color rise to his cheeks.

EB: go fuck yourself.

TT: We’ve been over this.

EB: just do what horny guys do best.

EB: which, and this may prove to be a bit of a shocker, isn’t bother your ninteen-year old son-brother’s friends.

TT: i guess youre on to somoething tere.

TT: still aint as fun wiyhout a freind

TT: my ass hurts

That was uncharacteristic.

EB: dude, you alright there?

TT: i will be

EB: no i mean

EB: dude you’re typing weird what’s up with that?

TT: typing with one hanf is harder than it looks

EB: one hand? you’re not

His blush returns in full force. There’s no way Bro isn’t doing what he thinks he’s doing.

TT: not waht

EB: don’t be coy with me, mr strider!

TT: you did tell meto go fyck myself

TT: this isn’t as easy as ity look this e=whole one handed tuhiing

John decides he’s going to curl up in a hole and die, that despite all he went through with The Game, this is the weirdest thing to ever happen to him.

EB: how is this conversation even remotely sexy to you?

EB: how are you getting off to this?

TT: porn open

EB: you’re disgusting

TT: everyone does ir

TT: no shame

EB: you know, bro, when I told you to jerk off, i didn’t mean while you were still talking to me.

Morbid curiosity, he tells himself, is what’s keeping him from logging off and burning his computer.

TT: thsts hwy you gatta be specific kid

EB: lesson fucking learned

TT: you know

TT: ths chick kinda looks like you

John makes a strangled choking noise, and tries to ignore the fact that that was just a little bit hot.

EB: oh my god.

EB: no. just. no.

TT: joking joking

TT: its adude

EB: i refuse to believe that this is a thing that’s happening to me right now.

TT: ahahaha

EB: you know what?

TT: wat

EB: i’m just gonna leave you to it

TT: are you

EB: …

TT: …?

John can’t believe that Bro got to him.

EB: damnit

TT: ahahaa got u

EB: this is fucked up.

EB: this is fucked up and more hot than it should be why do i think this is even a little hot.

TT: fuckin got you

EB: no you didn’t!

TT: surre

TT: you arent the leasr vit curious

TT: not at all

John thinks he’s never hated anyone more. He also is very sure he’s never been more attracted to anyone more.

EB: fine maybe a little, okay?

EB: ugh.

TT: i’m laughing.

TT: thats bnot all im doing vut i am laufghing

John’s palm becomes reacquainted with his forehead.

EB: yes. i know. you’re jacking off and i like it.

TT: john?

EB: what?

TT: say someyhing sexy

Another strangled noise, but John can’t deny the fact that that is very, very tempting. He also can’t deny an increasingly obvious boner.

EB: i’m not talking dirty to you!

TT: fuck

TT: fibe

There’s a bit of a pause, punctuated by John nibbling on his lower lip as he faces the true Ultimate Riddle: to choke the chicken or not to choke the chicken?

He shoves his hands down his pants in a manner that could only be described as unceremonious and decisive.

EB; what are you watcjing antway

Bro was right, this is hard.

TT: are you?

EB: am i wat

TT: dont be coy with me kid

EB: i hab nlo idea what youre talkin abot

TT: holy fuk you are

TT: shitshitshitshit

Did he just?

EB: are youdone?

TT: You like crabby patties, don’t you Mr. Krabs? Hint: I’m the patties.

EB: you didn”t even get the quote right

TT: I know.

TT: Did it on purpose.

TT: This little thing called irony.

TT: And if it helps fuel your spank bank, the dude did actually look like you.

EB: boner kill dude

EB: try again with somethong actually hot

TT: Dicks.

John is going to kill him.

EB: strierrrrrrrrrrr

TT: Why should I help you when you wouldn’t help me?

He is going to get off and then promptly arrange a flight down to Houston to personally kill Bro Strider.

EB: plz come on vome on

TT: I don’t even know if I can say sexy things at you I may just accidentally kill your boner.

EB: just do it cmon

TT: You know, I’m having a hard time figuring you out, preference wise.

TT: Normally I’m pretty good at figuring out how you like it. Y’know. Seme or uke.

He can’t believe Bro just said that. One hundred percent seriously.

TT: But you? You could be the biggest bottom bitch ever, or you could be parading as one but once you get in bed you’re this big ol’ dom. 

EB: bottom

TT: Y’know, bringin’ out the whips and chains and everything on your poor, unsuspectin’ sub.

Oh shit.

EB: please

TT: You’re into that kinda shit? Kinky.

EB: dont try and tell me tiu arent i wont belive it

TT: Oh no I am.

TT: God, you’re a little bitch aren’t you?

His cock twitches in his hands and his breaths are quickly dissolving into pants.

EB: i m

TT: but youd b good for daddy, wouldnt you

EB: ohgod yes

John ignores Bros’ incoming messages for a few minutes to pull up some porn in another tab. He wants to be able to say that Bro wasn’t the only thing that got him off, because that’s Really Fucking Gay.

TT: youd do anythin’ i ask

TT: id make you beg

EB: yes daddy please daady

EB: cll me a sjyt

TT: scuh a cockslutt you want my dirk so bad

EB: god i want your cock jst fuking make me yuor bitch

TT: youd be sob fuckign easy id tie u up do anyithng you like

EB: shitt

John leaves Bro to his own devices for another minute or so.

TT: ffuvk you wuold ouyd b e perfecgt makre yo beg fuck you so hasrd you forfegtt your name n cnat walk n youu fell it for weeks

TT: im getting close shit

EB: fuck

EB: me to

EB: anytjhing you want daddy

EB: call mee a whote

He’s breathing in nothing but quick pants, he’s bucking into his hand. John swipes his thumb over the head of his cock, moaning soft and low and spreading the precum that had gathered there. He brings his hand up to his mouth to muffle his moans and he’s so close, so fucking close he just needs-

TT: youre sch a fking whore im stroking you out w nothing but text fuck

TT: goda,m cockslut

EB: sht daddy im

TT: do ti

TT: do it holy shit

John bites his hand in his effort to keep quiet as his cock pulses and it’s all too much for a moment before it isn’t and he’s left shaking with aftershocks and he’s got a mess to clean up. He carefully cleans himself up, then turns back to the computer. 

EB: fuck me so hard, make me feel it for weeks. make me yours, please daddy fuck me.

TT: ho god ojgod oh gpd oghod

John can’t help that little bit of pride at having done that to Bro.

TT: Okay so at the risk of pissing you off.

TT: (A risk I’m more than willing to take.)

TT: Fucking told you so.

EB: okay “daddy”

EB: a daddy kink? really?

TT: “Call me a whore.”

TT: Look whose talking.

He rolls his eyes.

EB: gonna fuck me good, daddy?

TT: Oh please you loved it just as much as I did.

EB: caught me red handed.

EB: and i’m not above admitting that that was awesome.

EB: so thanks i guess

TT: The pleasure’s all mine.

TT: Trust me.

EB: you did sort of get a two for one deal so…

TT: Anyway. Uh.

It’s gotten a little embarrassing in the post-high haze, so he decides to make it more awkward.

EB: is it too much to propose we do that again sometime?

TT: Fuck no.

John thinks that it’s time for him to go curl up and die, now.

EB: oh.

EB: sorry for

TT: No no I meant fuck no it isn’t too much.

TT: Hell yes we do that again.

You breath out a breath that you didn’t realize you’d been holding.

EB: jesus shit don’t scare me like that

TT: Sorry man.

TT: Anyway expect a package within the next few days. It won’t be under my name but it’ll be an S name and from Houston.

EB: avoiding stalkers?

TT: Ever since some dude mailed me his pubes, yeah.

EB: ew.

EB: but i look forward to its arrival ;)

EB: maybe

EB: and of course this is just for science purposes

EB: ill take a video for you too

TT: Holy fuck you’re a freak. Where have you been all my life?

EB: course i am, daddy.

EB: never met a dude with a daddy kink tbh

TT: Really? Must not be lookin’ in the right places.

EB: sorry i don’t have sex 24/7

TT: You’re missin’ out, kid.

EB: i’d be having sex all the time if i had the choice, dude.

TT: Wink.

EB: oh my god.

EB: still desperate as ever.

TT: Not desperate. Keeping my options open.

TT: And if the textual evidence is solid, then it’s a pretty nice option.

EB: aww you’re too kind

EB: thanks mr. strider

TT: Fuckin’ brat.

TT: You best be thanking me I’m sending you free sex toys.

EB: you best be thanking me when i fuck myself on them in front of you.

TT: Shit fuck.

TT: That’s so hot how are you real?

EB: ;)

TT: Don’t you mean ;B

EB: fuck you

EB: and good night.

EB: i am a busy man with college applications to do.

TT: Well now you got somethin’ else to put on that resume of yours.

EB: dont say it don’t fucking say it.

TT: Fine, fine.

TT: And hey. Good luck, kid.

TT: Look forward to hearin’ from you soon.

EB: ugh good night you dweeb.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering timeausTestified [TT]

A week later a package arrives from a Mr. Strapón. He laughs softly at the choice, then wipes the fond smile from his face as he carries the box to his room.

**Author's Note:**

> what's a penis


End file.
